


six feet underground

by JulianAlbertsCat (AdhdBarryAllen)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 3x15 The Wrath Of Savitar, Canon Compliant, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Snowbert Friendly, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Trans Cisco Ramon, Trans Female Character, Trans Julian Albert, Trans Male Character, and julian's not so great family, at least thats what im trying for, not caitlin snow friendly, supportive ramon family, well mostly, why? because i can so jot that down
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 12:41:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10513983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdhdBarryAllen/pseuds/JulianAlbertsCat
Summary: "Hands come up to his sides. He jumps, but the contact drags him closer to reality. It’s Cisco who’s telling him to breathe, he processes finally. Cisco is counting for him, telling him to inhale, exhale, follow his rhythm. Julian can do this. He candothis. Breathing doesn’t have to be hard."Aka that time Cisco helped Julian through a panic attack and then it got gay





	

**Author's Note:**

> im a bitter gremlin who is very upset with how julian was treated in 3x15 so ive been writing fic about it ever since.  
> special thanks to Halzbarry for being my beta! and to everyone else who supported this, i love you <3  
> title comes from safe and sound by capitol cities.  
> in case you skimmed the tags, tw for panic attacks and discussions of past trauma

Panic.

_PANIC_.

Can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t—

He can still hear Savitar’s voice ringing in his ears, clawing its way up his throat like a phantom he can't—

Can’t breathe can’t see—can he see?

That voice, it’s like nails on a chalkboard, metal forks on ceramic, a shattered glass caused by an opera singer whose pitch is overwhelmingly high. He wants to claw at his ears till they bleed, tear out these offending vocal cords who dared speak for a thing that wasn't him.

Chest tight. Legs weak. The ache in his skull is thundering. Julian sinks to the ground. It doesn't occur to him that the hallway isn't the best place to do this. He can’t think. He can’t _feel_ —no, he feels too much.

No one will come for him, he thinks absently. He’s so far away, drifting in a sea of fear and labored breathing. Nobody cares enough for him to anchor him back where he belongs.

_“J—lian.”_

He whips his head up, eyes wild and unfocused. But the sound was so distant, he was so distant, he—

_“Ju—lian!”_

It's closer now. He can almost make out the words. The sound like his name, but he isn’t sure.

_“Julian, you need to breathe.”_

It _is_ his name, along with the instruction to partake in a basic human function he’s struggling to achieve.

Hands come up to his sides. He jumps, but the contact drags him closer to reality. It’s Cisco who’s telling him to breathe, he processes finally. Cisco is counting for him, telling him to inhale, exhale, follow his rhythm. Julian can do this. He can _do_ this. Breathing doesn’t have to be hard.

“Dude, you good?” Cisco asks, once Julian is sufficiently calmed down.

“I… yes, I believe so.” The words are scratchy as they leave his throat.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Julian shakes his head furiously. He’s already had to relive this _twice_ today, and in the span of only a few hours. The last thing he wants to do is think about it all over again.

“That’s cool, man,” Cisco says. He places a hand over Julian’s in a small gesture of comfort. “You need a ride home or anything?”

He almost declines, but the thought of driving make his head pound once again. “If it’s… not too much trouble.” He’s inconvenienced Team Flash enough for one night, a part of him says.

Cisco smiles softly. “Of course it’s not.”

Cisco helps Julian to his feet, and together they make their way down the halls. Its clear Cisco has noticed Julian’s wish to avoid their team members. They take the long way through the building, successfully exiting without passing anyone in the halls.

Julian slides into the passenger’s seat of Cisco’s car, drained even from the walk to the parking lot. He gives a glance to his own car—he’ll have to pick it up in the morning.

Julian rattles off his address to Cisco. He doesn’t live far, which he has never been more thankful for than in this moment. All he wants to do is go home. He hasn’t been home in a _week_.

It was a mistake to come to STAR Labs today. He had just been so _eager_ to see the people he hoped were becoming his friends. But tonight, they had all let him down. Barry only saw him as a means to commune with—with _him_. And when Julian had served his purpose, Barr had left him there, feeling _used_. He couldn’t bother to ask how Julian was feeling after having allowed the creature who had manipulated him for _ten years_ to take control again. And the others? They barely bothered to speak up for him, not listening when he protested.

And then there’s _Caitlin_.

Caitlin kept him around because of his expertise, because she had deluded herself into thinking he could take away her powers. Every step of the way, she had been manipulating him. From her offer to join Team Flash to her twisting his feelings into convincing him to commune with Savitar. And she would never own up to her mistakes, this much he knew. The team adored her too much to hold her accountable for her actions, but were more than happy to turn on him when he made even the slightest mistake. God, he had been so _stupid._

But Cisco hadn’t let him down. _Yet_ , a small part of his brain whispered, but he pushed that thought down.

They pull up to his apartment complex. Its half past midnight; both are exhausted.

“Can you… Would you come up with me?” Julian asks softly. “Not for the whole night, of course. We aren’t exactly mates. Just… some company would be nice.”

Cisco nods. “Of course, Jul.”

Julian unlocks the door with shaky hands. Cisco follows him inside, carrying his luggage for him (even though Julian told him it was unnecessary). Julian’s two cats swirl around his ankles, making mewling noises that could be either impatient or concerned—he isn’t sure which.

“So, you got some sort of ritual for after you have attacks?”

“Usually just blankets, cats, distractions, the works,” Julian shrugs. He slumps onto the couch, curling up on his side. Cisco takes the blanket folded on the arm of the couch and lays it over him.

“I could, ah, make you some tea if you want.” Cisco wanders into Julian’s kitchen.

“No, you don’t have to— “

“Too late, the water’s boiling!” Cisco says, eliciting a smile from Julian.

There’s a pause, the silence filled only by the rumbling of the kettle.

“You really should smile more,” Cisco mumbles.

“What’s that?” Julian is unsure if he heard that correctly.

“I like it when you smile. Makes you seem… younger, you know? You’ve survived a lot, Julian. When you smile, it’s like you suddenly aren’t weighed down by the world.”

Julian’s gaze is fixed on a dent in the wood floor. People don’t… compliment him. How is he supposed to respond?

“How do you know so much about this?” Julian asks. The only person he had ever met who was this good at handling his panic attacks was _Emma_.

“What, panic attacks? Easy, I get them too.” He says it so casually, but Julian doesn’t have to see his face to know there’s more to it than that. He’s curious, of course, but he doesn’t push the subject. If Cisco wants to tell him more, he will.

Cisco meets him on the couch with two steaming mugs of chamomile. He steals one end of the blanket from Julian with a teasing grin.

“I was… Killed once,” Cisco tells him.

Julian furrows his brows. Clearly Cisco is still here, and very much alive. He waits, and sure enough, Cisco elaborates.

“There was this… speedster, the first Harrison Wells. He killed me, phased his hand right through my chest in another timeline. But with my powers, I started remembering it. Thought it was just a dream at first. Caitlin and Barry, they had me go into my mind to relive the moment—Caitlin wasn’t convinced Doctor Wells was evil. It felt so real, I felt my _heart_ stop. God, I still have nightmares about it.” He takes in a shaky breath. Julian thumbs over his wrist, silently telling him it was okay, that he didn’t need to keep going.

“And when Wally learned to phase his hand I… It was like I could feel his hand through my chest again.”

Julian nods, understanding. Sometimes, he swears he can hear the faint whisper of Savitar’s voice, feeding him instructions before realizing it was only in his head. He wonders if the lingering effects of Savitar’s control would ever fade.

“It must not help to see his face every day.”

Cisco lets out a bitter laugh. “No, it really doesn’t. I know H.R isn’t him, but he looks the same, he walks the same, and sometimes he’ll talk the same and I’m instantly taken back to that moment with _him_. With Harry, though, it was so much worse.”

“And the team, they don’t notice?”

“If they do, they definitely don’t care. You get used to it, I guess. Your trauma being a side piece.” His hand comes up, running through his long, dark hair. “Sorry, I got wrapped up talking about _my_ bullshit.”

“Cisco, just because they’re so engrossed with themselves doesn’t mean what you’ve been through is invalid.”

His mind drifts back to earlier that night, when Caitlin had asked him if the reason he refused to let them use him was because he didn’t want her to see him like that. It was like a slap in the face. Like she believed his distress was only real if it connected back to their relationship. As if he didn’t want to relive his nightmares because it might bother _her_.

He thinks back to all his exploits with the team; the side-eye he was given every time he offered a suggestion, the barely veiled expressions of distaste whenever he said something they considered “off.” They made no effort to connect with him. He had never really belonged, had he.

“What are you thinking about, Julian?” Cisco asks him, tangling their fingers together.

“After they had me talk to _him_. Nobody apologized. Allen had hardly bothered with a ‘thank you.’ The only person who cared enough to check up on me was you. _Why_?”

“I don’t know,” Cisco admits. “Maybe it’s ‘cause no one was there for me when I was in the middle of an attack. Maybe I just wanted to be that person to you, make sure you didn’t have to go through it alone.”

The idea of not being alone comes off as strange to Julian. He’s been alone nearly all his life. At one point, he had stopped thinking that would ever change. He always _preferred_ solitude as a child, with the exception of Emma. Emma was always the exception. She was his twin, his best friend, and when she had gone, the void she left was unimaginable. He imagines Cisco understands—he too has a sibling who was gone. After losing Emma, Julian had refused to let anyone in. What if he lost them too?

He has always contented himself in the shelter of the walls he’s built, but Cisco makes him want to tear them all down.

“I think I’m… ready to talk about it,” Julian mumbles, staring down at his hands. Only problem is, he doesn’t have a single idea as to where he should start.

“Alright,” Cisco nods. “Tell me what went wrong tonight.”

“They don’t care about me, that’s what’s wrong. Caitlin, she invited me to this team, but it was only just to _use_ me. She never gave a damn about me or how I’m feeling.”

Cisco furrows his brows. “Did she say something to you? If you need me to talk some sense into her, believe me, I will.” Caitlin may be his friend, but he isn’t afraid to tell her when she’s made a mistake.

“She, I, it’s my fault,” Julian gets out. “I… I kissed her. I don’t even know _why_ I did it, it’s just all so confusing. I thought for once, someone might actually _care_ for me. But she kept a piece of that stone, even after she _knew_ all the pain it’s caused me.”

Caitlin and Julian had kissed? A rush of emotion flares through him. Cisco knows they had been getting close, but he hasn’t been sure how close. He should have expected this—even with the drinks Caitlin had told him about and the dinner her and Julian had gone for, he still hadn’t put it together. Somehow, this doesn’t feel like the answer he wanted.

“She lied to you. She lied to _all_ of us,” Cisco says to him. “Desperation makes people do terrible things.”

He knows that on some level Cisco is right—desperation is what got him involved with Savitar in the first place—but it doesn’t excuse what she did. What Barry and the team forced him to do.

But did they force him? He agreed, didn’t he? He said yes to the very thing he knew would trigger him, all because he was that eager to please. Pathetic. His father had been right; he would never be somebody. He would never belong.

His eyes sting at the memory of his father. Of the last time Julian saw him. He was so disappointed after hearing how Julian had wasted his inheritance. So angry. And he yelled, oh, he yelled.

His mother had cried for him. He never wanted to hurt her, all he wanted was his _sister_ back.

Julian’s breathing becomes more ragged. God, he knew this was a bad idea. Talking doesn't help. Talking makes things worse. Talking unbottles all the memories and emotions he tries so hard to push down.

_Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._

Cisco swiftly pulls Julian into his arms. God, Julian hadn't even realized he was shaking.

“Julian, Julian it's okay,” Cisco whispers.

“I don't believe it, but thank you.”

They don't spend long before Julian pulls away. Shit, he should have asked first.

A beat passes; Cisco must notice Julian’s silence. He tucks a loose strand of hair behind his ear, eyes surveying Julian’s flat till they land on his DVD collection. “Hey, you’ve got Princess Bride!” He exclaims. “I knew you secretly had good taste.”

Julian is surprised by the sudden change of topic, but all the more grateful for it. “Cisco, while I am thankful for the attempted distraction, it’s nearly one in the morning. Do you really think you could sit through a two-hour movie?” He doesn’t include himself in this statement—it’s not like he gets much rest these days.

“If it makes you laugh even once, I don’t care if I fall asleep.” Cisco averts his eyes at the sudden admission. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but he wouldn’t take it back. He means every word.

“I’m…” Julian isn’t sure how to respond. “I think I’ll get changed. You can put in the movie.”

By the time he returns, Cisco already has the movie paused and ready to begin. Julian slides back on to the couch, now much more comfortable in his lose t-shirt and soft plaid pajama pants. He’s changed out of his binder too, and into the sports bra he sleeps in. Julian doesn’t think for a second that Cisco would have an issue with him being trans. He hasn’t discussed it with Cisco before, but he’s fairly sure from the snippets of conversation overheard that Cisco is trans as well.

It occurs to Julian that perhaps he should offer something more comfortable for Cisco to change into. Is sharing clothes the kind of thing Cisco’s comfortable with? If he did offer, would it seem too much like he was trying to make Cisco stay? Julian has to admit, this is the longest amount of time he’s spent with Cisco outside of STAR Labs. It’s a bit nerve-wracking.

Julian took a deep breath, dispelling the lingering anxiety. “If you want to change, there’s clothes in the dresser in my room. Second drawer down.” He rubs at his eyes. There’s no way they’re making it through this whole movie awake.

Cisco smiles gratefully. “Thanks, Julian, I’ll do that. Go ahead and start it though, I’ve seen this a million times. “

Julian doesn’t comment that he too has seen Princess Bride many times. It has been a while, though. He presses play and the movie begins, watching as the child unwraps the book from his grandfather. Cisco returns promptly, curling into Julian’s side comfortably.

Their eyelids grow heavy as Buttercup’s kidnappers reach The Cliffs of Insanity. Julian imagines that in any other circumstance, Cisco would have heaps of commentary. Cisco is beginning to snore though, so Julian reaches for the remote to pause.

“Mmm?” Cisco murmurs. Julian almost finds it adorable, except for the slow dribble of drool making its way down Cisco’s chin.

“You’re falling asleep, mate. I’ve got a bed that’s much more comfortable.”

“No, was gonna go home,” Cisco protests.

Julian laughs—a laugh that quickly turns into a yawn. “You can’t possibly think you’re awake enough to drive. I promise, my bed is nice.”

“Fiiiiiine,” Cisco concedes. He manages to push himself off the couch and follow Julian to his bedroom. Cisco flops onto the bed and worms himself under the covers, smiling faintly. “This is _way_ better, man.”

Those are the last words Julian hears him say before falling into a deep sleep.

+++

He smells it before he’s fully awake; someone is cooking breakfast.

Julian’s eyes open slowly. Someone has opened the curtains, letting in the sunlight that is far too harsh for his liking. He fumbles for his glasses, blinking as his eyes adjust to the bright light of day. A glance at the clock informs him that it’s past 9:00—thank _god,_ he doesn’t have to work today.

Julian stumbles into the kitchen, surprised by the sight of Cisco standing over a pan of eggs wearing only his t-shirt and a pair of boxers. If anyone else were here they might get the wrong idea, he thinks with a smile.

“Didn’t know you could cook,” Julian says, alerting Cisco to his presence.

Cisco laughs brightly. “There was no way Papá was letting me live on my own without knowing how to cook.”

Julian nods, pouring himself a cup of coffee and snagging a slice of bacon.

“You didn’t have to do all this,” He says, waving a hand at the assortment of breakfast foods laid out on the counter. He appreciates it, of course, he’s just not used to it.

“Don’t worry about it, man, I wanted to. Plus, I was hungry and didn’t want to wake you.” Cisco says the last part in a much quieter tone. It’s really quite cute.

“I have to say, that was the best sleep I’ve had in quite some time.” Maybe it was the sheer exhaustion or the warmth of another person in his bed, but for once he had slept soundly through the night. No thoughts of Savitar, of losing Emma over and over, just a dark dreamless sleep.

Cisco laughs. “Yeah, me too. Hey, I know last night was miserable, but I’m really glad I got to spend time with you,” He confesses. “I’d like to do it again sometime, if you’re interested.”

Julian’s first instinct is to not trust. He’s already been hurt by Team Flash. But that isn’t Cisco. Cisco isn’t _Caitlin._ And what other friends did he have in this town anyways? Cisco is always eager to listen to Julian’s ramblings.  And with how many people he can share his metahuman theories with and actually get a solid theory in return? Cisco is more of a friend than the others had been to him, and Julian can’t let his fear push a good thing away.

“I’d… love that, Cisco. I really would.”

And this time, he means it.

**Author's Note:**

> wondering why there was no ramon family in this chapter? well its because im still bitter and will be writing more chapters.


End file.
